by: Reneé Blanchard
I think 2015 was the worst. Maybe 2014, was it 2016 or 2017? Somewhere in those years, I was living with debilitating back pain, brain fog, and an all-around unhappiness. I was in a terrible relationship (and then marriage and then divorce) I should have never spent so much time in and my body was reacting against everything I was doing to push through. The back pain had started a few years before but it was immeasurably worst during this time.
At some point, I had suffered a hip labral tear. I have no idea if that was the cause of all this pain or if it happened because I was in so much emotional turmoil or if it had happened ten years before when I first started experiencing chronic bursitis. But during these specific years my brain, heart, and body were in deep pain. Somewhere in 2015, I began going to yoga, lifting weights, experimenting with Whole30, meeting with different physical therapists, and meditating. I felt some relief here and there but it was years before I found the right recipe to feel less pain.
The values I realized I needed within myself to stay on a healthy path included compassion, consistency, and curiosity. At this point I know no Doctor has a final answer for me, no physical therapist has a magic exercise, and no other person no matter how lovely and caring will have enough space to hold it all for me. I had to do the research and put in the time to be as gentle and caring about myself to find a path forward.
If I had to narrow it down, I would say the main ingredients to finding more mobility were mindfulness, nutrition, rest, and movement. Let me break these down for you.
Mindfulness - When I couldn’t do much, both physically and emotionally, I tried meditation. I had no emotional speed bump - that space between something happening and my reaction. Everything felt urgent and important and enraging. Creating that speed bump and then finding ways to make the speed bump bigger was crucial to everything else in my healing journey.
I started with 5 minutes of meditation with deep breaths almost every morning. These 5 minutes before my ex-husband woke up, before i had to go to work, even when I was puffy-faced from going out and exhausted from being angry and sad, I sat on my couch for 5 minutes and breathed deeply, counting to 4 on the inhale and 8 on the exhale. There is no silver bullet to unhappiness but it offered a bit of space so I could work on the things I needed to work on to live a slightly better life.
Tip: Listen to podcasts about mindfulness to deepen your understanding. I love Ten Percent Happier by Dan Harris. I use Insight Timer as a literal timer and a way to hold myself accountable to my practice.
What I learned: The practice of mindfulness is an emotional speed bump between my reaction and something that triggers my reaction was critical in slowing down allowing me to notice what my body was telling me.
Nutrition - For years, I would become extremely, painfully bloated almost every time I ate or drank alcohol. And I was drinking too much in my 20s and 30s to numb my pain, emotional and physical. However, I found some relief after meals by taking walks.
I started reading about nutrition, pain, and inflammation when I knew I needed to create change in my life. I completed a few rounds of Whole 30, which I found extremely helpful in noticing some foods that may be causing pain, my emotional triggers around food, and new recipes to start cooking more at home. I was very careful to never restrict calories, this was all about noticing how food impacted my body. Journaling every day about my journey through Whole30 was also impactful and led me to so much self-discovery.
I also met with a Registered Dietitian periodically to gain new information on meals and vitamins. My most recent experience in 2020 helped me get a basic metabolic blood panel, which showed significantly low Vitamin D and a few other things. This information was extremely important. It led me to make big dietary changes and provided my doctors with more information. I was able to get a referral to a Rheumatologist who diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and the blood work caught a genetic autoimmune marker. While fibromyalgia is a catch-all diagnosis, it was crucial in getting effective anti-inflammation medication and regular monitoring of my pain.
Tip: Meet with a Registered Dietitian and your doctor to see if a metabolic blood panel would benefit your health.
What I learned: Creating the space for more mindfulness allowed me to recognize patterns in my body that gave me more language to get additional help from my doctors.
Rest- Rest is a simple word but a complex concept. Rest isn’t just sleeping and numbing out on trash tv. Though those things are absolutely valid ways to rest. It also includes calming your nervous system. Sometimes our bodies need sleep and no movement, but other times our bodies need gentleness. Rest can include positive self-talk, therapy, and bubble baths. I use a heating pad twice a day for my back and it is really calming. I oftentimes will listen to music, close my eyes, or stare at the ceiling and cuddle with my dog. Included in rest is saying no to things you don’t want to do, acting in integrity to your own values and desires, and cooking yourself a delicious meal.
Somewhere along my journey, I realized I wasn’t actually resting when I laid down or that my body would be so full of pain that I couldn’t do anything at all. Our bodies hurting so much you can’t move isn’t really rest. It is your body forcing you to stop because you are in an emergency. Rest isn’t forced. It is calming and you get up feeling rested when it happens. I had to think long and hard and make many adjustments to feel rested.
I wake up at 430am most days except Sunday when I allow myself to wake up naturally without an alarm. I find these morning hours extremely relaxing and even if I struggle a little to get out of bed my day is demonstratively better than if I sleep in even an additional hour. Find the hours of the day that are best for you. Taking advantage of those hours will make a huge impact on your day.
I also try to get in my garden at first light and pull weeds and take stock of the growth and changes in the yard. Science shows 10 to 30 minutes of early morning light can have a big impact on your productivity throughout the day and putting your hands in dirt is known to reduce stress, depression, and increase your quality of life. It seems that microorganisms within the soil have a very positive impact on our brains.
Tip: Make a list of restful activities and schedule these throughout the next two weeks. Figure out how to make the most impactful activities part of your regular schedule.
What I learned: Our bodies hold all our experiences and until we spend time getting to know how our bodies hold this impact, we won’t know what things in our lives we should be walking away from. Rest is more than sleep, it is the gentleness in which we hold ourselves.
Movement - Movement is oftentimes at odds with chronic pain. But more and more studies show that not moving is harmful to our bodies and our mental health. This includes after an acute injury or severe pain. Some movement is extremely important to healing. Even when my back pain is debilitating and I am unable to stand upright, I have learned that walking around the house in any capacity speeds up my recovery. When this happens I get out of bed every hour and walk around and do the tiniest of movements that I know usually help and I am feeling better much much faster than when I stayed in bed to rest.
Walking is an underappreciated exercise. It is even known to interfere with depression because of the eye movements we make while walking. It’s called optic flow and it is a basic function of the brain to understand where your body is in space, constant lateral eye movement. The connection between PTSD and lateral eye movement has been studied for years and there are benefits to those also experiencing anxiety and depression. Regular walks can positively impact your mood, quality of life, and your pain.
Through years of trial and error, I currently lift weights 2 to 4 days a week. I also created a 20-minute movement routine that I do almost every day. I take a 3-mile walk 1 to 2 days a week as well. All of this keeps my pain very manageable. But I figured it all out because I try a lot of types of movement and I am endlessly curious about my body and health.
Tip: Work with personal trainers, physical therapists, and online and in-person exercise programs to find what works for you. Keep trying.
What I learned: Regular and consistent movement is necessary for healing.
When My Body Betrays Me
Practicing compassion for my body is THE game changer. I started to notice what may be creating some of the symptoms that have gone unnoticed or are misunderstood when I slowed down. I show gratitude to my body often as it shows me what is happening, what feels good, and what doesn’t work. I literally thank my body every day for existing.
For someone that experiences chronic pain, it is likely that at some point the idea that your body is failing you surfaces in your mind. Maybe this is a common theme in your internal narrative. It was helpful for me to see my body as always showing up for me to tell me the truth. Because that is what’s happening. Maybe it’s your institution or hip pain during a specific exercise. Your body really is working for you all the time. It’s up to you to make peace with how it shows you what you need to know. If you are numbing it every day through food, overworking, alcohol, or whatever your vice is, you won’t be able to hear it. I know I didn’t. I needed to slow down and listen.
My feelings of betrayal from my body are the hardest part of this journey. I had to shift my mindset dramatically. Being 35 and unable to stand for more than a few minutes meant parties were anxiety-producing and Mardi Gras parades were so painful I could hardly enjoy what should be the happiest part of the year. Few people my age understood or had much compassion for my circumstance. My ex-husband didn’t necessarily even believe me and would routinely force me into public situations that caused more pain. Even today in my 40s people who don’t understand how painful standing is still see my need to sit or leave the situation as a personal affront. This is where my practice in mindfulness, compassion, and boundaries really hit hard. I have to dig into my daily practices to find the right situations for me and let go of other people’s expectations.
Chronic pain is a journey. It’s my journey and it is changing as I age. It led me to go back to school to be a Dietitian, it introduced me to new ways of loving myself and brought so many new people into my life.
I hope some of these ideas were helpful as you navigate your own chronic pain journey or help a loved one who is doing it themselves.
